Friday, January 28, 2011


"If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."
~ Amy Carmichael

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I read that quote over here yesterday and I thanked the Lord for His love gift of conviction. For loving me enough to use someone that I don't even know to speak Truth. You see, I'm a mom now. And if I didn't struggle with impatience before...well, I certainly do now. I am convinced, after 10 months, that God will forever use our children to refine us. He uses my little boy to bring out the darkest areas of my heart that most need to change

During these past 10 months of his little life, we've often struggled to discern when he has a real need and when he doesn't.  We believe that many times his boredom, the fact that he'd like to be more mobile, or maybe he's not in a place that he prefers to be, manifests itself as discontentment. Whatever the reason, his behavior is often marked by tears and wails.  Sometimes it seems that no matter what you do for or with him, is not what he wants.  There are days when I feel that I've heard just about all the incessant wailing that I can handle.  And I'll speak impatiently to him. Or I'll think to myself, "why can't you just be like other quiet, normal children?!" Or I secretly hope a gypsy caravan will come take him away. Maybe I even wish {for a second} that I was like normal people and went to work every day. 

And then, when I eventually look in the mirror, I see the discontented tears & wails of my heart. I see the Love that, in spite of my wretched self, only has kindness for me. And then I confess.  I confess to the One who loves me and gave me this wonderful life I don't deserve and with tears I confess to littlest one who does not yet understand my words, but I know can see my heart through my words.

This process of Motherhood and sanctification is one that forces me to look at myself honestly and to diligently tend to my soul-garden. Weeding out the ugly hurts...but it hurts real good.


  1. A friend once told me that she believed God gave us children to show us our imperfections.

  2. So brave of you to bare your soul Sue! I know how you feel, I often feel guilty when I secretly look forward to my one or two days a week at work---it's just so much easier dealing with grown ups! Nothing compares to parenting when it comes to bringing out our best and our worst, but hopefully it makes us better over time. Lately when Cam goes off the deep end, despite having everything he needs and then some, I think...this must be how God feels about us sometimes! and then it gets easier.

  3. Beth...Mom...MimiJanuary 31, 2011

    Thank you, sweet daughter, for your honest confession that reveals to me my sin that I so readily blame on others and excuse in my own life. What you have expressed so beautifully I too have experienced during your growing up years and now it continues into your adult days . . . God using my precious daughter to bring me awareness of my desperate need of His cleansing, forgiveness and grace! Thank you and I LOVE you! I have no greater joy than to see my daughter walk in His truth!!